Guyton, GA - May 18, 2018
Many parents can identify with our situation. Our son, Jeff (alternate name used), is a bright, talented and funny kid who gets along well with his siblings at home. For some reason, that doesn’t yet translate well in the social world at large. There have been many discussions about social cues, norms, friendshipping and of course bullying. Yet, often times after school we hear about him being tuned out, rejected, shut down, put down or worse, he doesn’t say much about it at all. I’ll spare you the details. We all know middle school dynamics. Well it came to a head this week and the way it was handled made us think about the background of these deranged shooters.
Many school shooters are described as weird, they were often bullied, and are usually social outsiders. I don’t know if their oft cited mental challenges are the result of years of accumulated social difficulties or the other way around but certainly better handling of small and simple events in these future monsters’ lives could have altered the outcomes. That is why the administrator’s actions this last week at SEMS have me worried.
While other kids are enjoying movies, incentives, and the silliness of the last week of school, Jeff, a kid who has never received a written warning, detention or much less suspension, sits isolated for three days of In School Suspension (ISS). Again, I’ll spare you many of the details but need to provide some key context. Early this semesters, Jeff was having difficulty with a student frequently calling him stupid, telling him his opinions didn’t matter and that he should just go join a work group other than the one he had been assigned. The belittling was constant. The imbalance between the allies this student had versus Jeff made dealing with the situation unmanageable for him. Jeff was quiet, down and deflated for many weeks before he finally told us what was going on.
We turned to school staff for help. We hand delivered a letter to Jeff’s teacher outlining what was going on. We didn’t get a reply.
After observing the ineffectiveness of working with SEMS’s staff both through our own efforts and Jeff’s direct discussions with his teacher, we intensified instructing Jeff how to stand up for himself. He struggled until he finally mustered the courage last week. He said a single word to his tormentor that landed him in ISS.
Just hours before this incident took place, in the line heading to lunch, Jeff tried to catch up to a kid who had been friendly at times in the past. When he caught up to him, the kid rebuffed him saying, “Get away from me, gay person”. This was a despicable but overwhelmingly successful tactic for getting Jeff away from him.
Not long after, at the beginning of 4th period, Jeff settles into his desk having just seen his antagonist mock a student in the hallway. This troubling student comes to Jeff, puts his hand on his desk, leans in, and begins what certainly is yet another belittling comment, “I’m a little…” Jeff, tired of it, finally ready to stand up for himself and drawing from the example he experienced just hours before, interjects quietly, “…gay?” An administrator is called to the classroom not because of what was said, but because of the other student’s disruptive overreaction (a typical response of a confronted bully). That’s all it took for the hammer to drop on Jeff. 3 days ISS. Forget the context. Forget the history. Forget that one Oxford definition of the word and the common usage at the school is: foolish, stupid or unimpressive. Use of that word, even in this case, considering these circumstances, demands 3 days of ISS. Really?
And with that, the message is sent loud and clear, letters from parents can’t help you Jeff, discussions with teachers can’t help you Jeff, and trying to help yourself only lands you in extreme trouble during what was supposed to be the most fun time of the school year. There is seemingly nothing you can do but take it.
This incident, though small and insignificant to most who read this, profoundly explains to me one likely contributing factor in the buildup of explosive hatred we see in these cowardly and deranged school shooters. We are not worried about Jeff. He has an outlet through us but others don’t. Our school administrators, though often required to make snap judgements, have to do more than mindlessly follow some punishment matrix provided by the school board. They need to understand context. They need to speak with parents (without hanging up on them) and teachers to understand motives. They need to not rush to punish. They need to understand the potential unseen and lasting consequences. I think by in large the administrators in our area do. They get it right most of the time but in this case they bungled it and, for the sake of our schools, we can’t tolerate it.
